10.29.09
Virgin
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ”RETURNED UNOPENED”
10.28.09
Autumn
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn ‘t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, “What are you waiting for? ”
The husband replies, “Autumn”
10.20.09
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM .”
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
10.15.09
Cost to Get Married
A little boy asked his father: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied: “I don ‘t know son. I ‘m still paying!”
10.13.09
IT Monkey
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000″.
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage.
He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.
He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”
Lima Belas Juta
Wonokairun pergi ke Tretes dan mampir di Wisma Rindu Malam. Isinya perempuan-perempuan cantik dan bahenol, kakinya mulus-mulus ga ada yang bubulen (bekas gatal-gatal. red)
Wonokairun disambut oleh Mama Wisma. “Aku ingin bertemu dg Sablah” ujar Wonokairun.
“Pak, Sablah itu perempuan paling cantik disini, taripnya juga paling mahal” jawab Mama Wisma.
“Anda pasti tidak sanggup membayar, saya carikan yang lain aja ya”
“Ga..!, aku harus ketemu Sablah” paksa Wonokairun.
Akhirnya Si Mama menyuruh Sablah keluar dari kamar. Wonokairun terperanjat waktu melihat Sablah.. Sablah memang cantik sekali.
“Pak, anda sudah tahu kan kalo taripku lima juta sekali booking?” tanya Sablah memastikan. Tanpa banyak omong, Wonokairun langsung mengeluarkan uang satu bendel yang berjumlah 5 juta. Setelah itu, Wonokairun digandeng Sablah masuk menuju arena pertempuran. Selesai diservis Wonokairun langsung pergi.
Besoknya Wonokairun datang lagi ke Wisma Rindu Malam. “Aku mau ketemu dengan Sablah” kata Wonokairun.
“Pak, walaupun kemarin anda sudah booking Sablah, taripnya masih tetep lho, ga ada diskon.” ujar Mama.
“Pokoknya sy mau ketemu dg Sablah” Wonokairun memaksa lagi. Orang-orang di Wisma Rindu Malam mulai kasak-kusuk membicarakan Wonokairun.
Akhirnya Si Mama memanggil Sablah. “Pak, anda sudah tau kan kalo taripku lima juta sekali booking?”. tanpa banyak omong Wonokairun langsung mengeluarkan uang satu bendel berjumlah 5 juta.
Setelah itu mereka langsung masuk kamar. Selesai diservis Wonokairun langsung pergi.
Besoknya lagi Wonokairun kembali ke Wisma Rindu Malam. “Saya mau ketemu dg Sablah” ujarnya. “Pak, walaupun kemarin anda sudah 2 kali booking Sablah, taripnya tetep lho ga ada diskon” jawab Si Mama.
“Saya harus ketemu Sablah” Wonokairun memaksa. Orang-orang disekitar makin ramai membicarakannya, tapi Wonokairun cuek aja. Akhirnya Si Mama memanggil Sablah.
“Pak, Anda sudah tau kan kalo tarip saya lima juta sekali booking?”. tanpa banyak omong Wonokairun langsung mengeluarkan uang satu bendel yang berjumlah 5 juta. Setelah itu mereka menuju ke kamar.
Selesai menyervis, Sablah penasaran dan bertanya pada Wonokairun, “Pak, Anda memang tidak ada duanya. seumur-umur belum pernah ada yang berani membookingku 3 kali berturut selama 3 hari. Dari desa mana anda?”
“Aku dari Desa Sepanjang” jawab Wonokairun.
“Benarkah?..aku juga punya saudara disana” ujar Sablah kaget.
“Ya, aku sudah tau. Ayahmu meninggal sebulan yang lalu. Kakakmu mencarimu tapi tidak ketemu, lalu menyuruhku mencari kamu untuk menyerahkan uang warisan sebanyak 15 Juta…..”
10.12.09
Your Horse
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
“What the hell was that for? ” he asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it,” she replies.
“Don’t be silly,” he says. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he ’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he asks again, “What the hell was that for? ”
“Your f**king horse just phoned. “
10.11.09
Rectum Stretcher
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way u p to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS
Biaya Kuliah Kedokteran
Seorang dokter tua di kota kecil akhirnya berlibur.
Ia menugasi anak laki-lakinya, yang baru saja lulus sekolah kedokteran, untuk menjaga pasiennya.
Saat sang ayah pulang, ia bertanya pada anaknya apakah terjadi sesuatu yang tidak biasa.
“Aku menyembuhkan penyakit Nyonya Ida yang sudah dideritanya selama 30 tahun,” jawab sang anak dengan bangga.
Ayahnya marah, “Penyakit Nyonya itu yang membuatmu bisa sekolah selama ini sampai lulus sekolah kedokteran! Kok malah kamu sembuhkan itu bagaimana?”
10.10.09
A Rabbi, A Hindu and A Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, “I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!”
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, “There’s a COW in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!” The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…