11.13.09
Posted in Jokes at 16:31 by Erwin Kodiat
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?”
The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, he saw the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, ” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my manure droppings”replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for
joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons:
- Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
- And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
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11.06.09
Posted in Jokes at 09:38 by Erwin Kodiat
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry =You’ll be sorry
We need to talk =You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead =You better not
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
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11.02.09
Posted in Jokes at 10:58 by Erwin Kodiat
Behind every successful woman, there is a satisfied man.
Behind a satisfied woman, there is an exhausted man
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10.29.09
Posted in Jokes at 10:56 by Erwin Kodiat
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ”RETURNED UNOPENED”
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10.28.09
Posted in Jokes at 10:07 by Erwin Kodiat
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn ‘t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, “What are you waiting for? ”
The husband replies, “Autumn”
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10.20.09
Posted in Jokes at 14:16 by Erwin Kodiat
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM .”
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”
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10.15.09
Posted in Jokes at 15:48 by Erwin Kodiat
A little boy asked his father: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied: “I don ‘t know son. I ‘m still paying!”
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10.13.09
Posted in Jokes at 11:33 by Erwin Kodiat
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000″.
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage.
He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.
He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”
“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but says it’s a Consultant.”
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10.12.09
Posted in Jokes at 09:23 by Erwin Kodiat
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
“What the hell was that for? ” he asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it,” she replies.
“Don’t be silly,” he says. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he ’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he asks again, “What the hell was that for? ”
“Your f**king horse just phoned. “
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10.11.09
Posted in Jokes at 17:43 by Erwin Kodiat
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way u p to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS
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