God greets her at the Pearly Gates. “Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?” says God.

“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Again, it is tuna and rye bread.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.

Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand.”

God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” He says. “For just two people, does it pay to cook?”

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit  saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit on my ass like you and do  nothing?”
The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground  below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, he saw the  rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must  be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to  the top of that tree, ” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the  energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my manure droppings”replied the  bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of manure,  found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of  the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the  second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at  the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot  the turkey out
of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird  froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,  a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there  in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung  was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon  began to sing for
joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow  dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

The engraver shortened it to:  ”RETURNED UNOPENED”

They find a picture of a naked woman  with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn ‘t like it  and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, “What are you waiting for? ”

The husband replies, “Autumn”

Suddenly, the man realized that the  next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early  morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the  silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at  5:00  AM .”

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next  morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had  missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife  hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The  paper said, “It is 5:00  AM . Wake up.”

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a  very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why  did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast,  tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist starts to look  at the monkeys in the cage.

He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000!  What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage  object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really  useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a  third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says  $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others  put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything,  but says it’s a Consultant.”

“What the hell was that for? ” he asks.

“That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name  Mary Ellen written on it,” she replies.

“Don’t be silly,” he says. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary  Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he ’s  again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even  bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, “What the hell was that for? ”

“Your f**king horse just phoned. “