10.11.09
Posted in Jokes at 17:43 by Erwin Kodiat
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way u p to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS
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10.09.09
Posted in Jokes at 11:45 by Erwin Kodiat
As a mom passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. shocked, she asked: “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied: “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. upon entering the room , he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. she entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. the vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied: “I’m watching football with my son-in-law.”
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10.07.09
Posted in Jokes at 08:58 by Erwin Kodiat
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.
The child bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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10.05.09
Posted in Jokes at 12:56 by Erwin Kodiat
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy.
and …. wife on the cover of “missing persons”
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10.02.09
Posted in Jokes at 08:53 by Erwin Kodiat
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president.
“That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy (Lil’ Johnny) raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: “If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Bush.
“That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”
“Well,” says Lil’ Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
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09.29.09
Posted in Jokes at 13:02 by Erwin Kodiat
A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, ‘You finish?’
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian’
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09.28.09
Posted in Jokes at 11:06 by Erwin Kodiat
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home…
He asks him: ”What are you doing?”
The son replied: “Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!”
Father said: “Wait! I am coming with you!”
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09.27.09
Posted in Jokes at 08:12 by Erwin Kodiat
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence.
Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep, ” the husband replied, “in-laws “.
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09.26.09
Posted in Jokes at 10:54 by Erwin Kodiat
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
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09.25.09
Posted in Jokes at 15:44 by Erwin Kodiat
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.
Unable to make himself heard he waves to another worker on the first floor and uses sign language.
He points to his eye for ‘I’, his knee for ‘need’ & moves his hand in back & forth slicing motion for a ‘handsaw’.
Man on the first floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
Man on third floor is stunned, runs down to first floor & shouts, ‘I need a handsaw!’
The other man replies, ‘I know, I was telling you I’m coming!’
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